What if Twitter died? 11 things I would do with my time if he was kicking the bucket.

Twitter hanging from a string.

By some estimates, he lost it nearly 90 percent of the workforce before Elon Musk. Recently, a billionaire landlord took advantage, telling his remaining employees to either “be scandalous” or leave. And he soon found out: nearly 75 percent of the staff didn’t have it previously Canned, including those who reportedly run important parts of the platform, have opted for the easy life and abandoned the former Grimes.

For now, Twitter is still running, but it seems very likely that he might die or vanish while trying to walk through water with a skeletal cast.

That would be weird for me personally. Even though I’ve tried to slow down, I’ve spent a good portion of the past decade tweeting. I joined in July 2012 and since then I have posted nearly 25,600 times. After doing some math on the back of a napkin, that puts me at about 6.2 tweets a day, which is honestly less than I would have imagined. Twitter defined a “heavy” tweeter as someone who has logged into the app six or seven times In the week, Tweet three or four times…In the week. So yeah, the “heavy” amplifier does put entry-level numbers, in my opinion and experience.

Which raises the question: Should Twitter really die—which is an open question—what in the world am I going to do with all this free time? Because even when I’m not posting, I’m always there Twitter. It’s a constantly open tab during my work day. It’s mindless scrolling while watching TV. It’s my journal for amazing, hilarious, and typo-ridden notes like:

And the…

or this…

And of course…

So… what now? Well, I brainstormed 11 ideas for what I could do with my time if Twitter well and truly died. Feel free to steal these for yourself if the bird app poisons your mind too.

1. Try again to learn how to play the guitar.

Honestly though, I’ve tried for years and it’s hopeless. Do we really believe this is Effort will finally be by the time I get past the four chords?

2. I cook more than I do now.

Honestly, I’ve actually cooked most days for the nearly three years since working from home. But sure, I could get unnecessarily more sophisticated with my dinners.

3. Take up woodworking.

It might be hard to do in a Brooklyn apartment, but you know, it looks fun. Ron Swanson likes him. Sure, I might choke on sawdust, but at least my mind won’t be reduced to oatmeal by social media. Doing something with your own hands feels nice.


I feel like being cool in comic books is mainly taught? Like, there are different timelines, traditions, different dates, and yada, yada, yada. I will probably put my energies on Twitter to become one of those people.

5. Run

I love jogging. I can only do that.

6. Commit to living in the moment.

For ten years, I’ve had, at least, a two-screen experience involving a combination of: laptop and phone, TV and phone, or iPad and TV. Perhaps, with Twitter gone, I can disconnect the machine from my main computer. I could stop and smell the roses or, rather, the piss-stained sidewalks of New York City. (Same.) I could look at the sunset every evening, feeling deeply grateful for the love of my life and the good fortune of being in that exact place at that exact moment. I can live with my feet on the floor instead of my eyes on the screen.

lol. imagine?

7. Do yoga.

I have never been so flexible.

8. Walk around my house, whispering my tweets into the ether like little secrets of the Lord.

Today Thursday gives great feelings to Monday. Prepare some eggs for breakfast. LMAO My neighbors slam Phoebe Bridgers on a Friday night – we love a depressed mate.

9. Get really into the game of chess.

Seems like an interesting world these days.

10. Post to TikTok instead.

I know that’s where it all goes these days, anyway. But I’m a millennial and the risks of being impossible on TikTok are strong. Besides, a short video is not the same as being an idiot on Twitter. But I can try, I guess.

11. Staring at a wall.

Who knows if Twitter will die? But my wall isn’t going anywhere. Until you follow me @employee.